Day 5 - Phase 2 - Round 2

Current Weight 156.2
Beginning weight 155

Well reading my weight up there one can obviously tell that I did not do so well over the weekend, for many reasons. On Saturday I planned a "girls" day, which was to be a browsing day at the local second hand store (Goodwill), which turned in a shopping trip, because the deals were just too good to pass up. Then home to have appetizers, brouchetta, garlic - parsley toast, deviled eggs, chips and dips. Then heading over to the hot tub for sunbathing, hot tubing, reflexology and wine. So that right there was a weight gaining day. For the evening Sherman and I went to the $3 movies to watch Tangled, there I had popcorn with butter and a diet soda. Oh yeah, it was a fat day.
So when I weighed in on Sunday morning I expected to have gained and not lost. I weighed in at 154.6, not bad. But then for some reason I could not stop the eating train. I was pretty lazy all day on Sunday and when I am lazy I seem to think it is a free pass to eat. Sherman and I went to the .99 cent store and I bought some Artisean bread and when I got home I ate a piece with butter slathered all over it. Later in the evening, before bed I did it again. I also ate a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, a couple of cookies, some Black Crow licorice drops, a couple of peices of roast with potatoes & carrots. What the hell was I doing? It is like I was purposely sabbotaging my weight loss. Before I went to bed last night I knew I was going to weigh heavy on the scale. Just because I am taking the drops doesn't mean I can just eat the entire house and not gain weight.
Weigh in this morning just proved what I feared. So today I am aware that I should be on a complete liquid diet. That is my target. I brought along fruit, just in case I was not able to go without food. Sometimes my head will start to hurt if I do not eat. I am hoping that I will be ok if I have enough water. I guess we will know tomorrow morning.
Some of my other issues is that I do not exercise as I should. On Friday I pulled out my exercise mat and I did a few crunches along with some leg lifts. Was it enough to do any good? Probably not, but it was 10 times better that just sitting on the couch, watching TV. Usually I would be making some calls for the telemarketing I am doing, but unfortunately a Qwest technician cut the cable to the park on Thursday and we didn't have any internet until later on Saturday. - Besides until this agent gives me a better list, I may have to stop, because I only get paid if people want a quote, but 1/2 the numbers do not answer the phone, it's hard to make the deal. Basically I am doing this for nothing. - I digress!
I did remember to take my measurements, however, I forgot to bring them with me in order to post, since I was unable to post a blog when I took the measurements. I am happy to say that I have lost more inches and when I look in the mirror (yes, I am naked) I can see a silhouette. I am making it a point to spend more time looking at myself naked, so I can learn to accept my body.
I have to admit that I am beginning to feel that a lot of my negative body image goes along with my negative self image altogether. As I take time to "find" myself, I am finding that I am not happy with myself. I want to go back to the word "Find" I am not out running around doing crazy things in an attempt to "find" myself. I am not lost, I know who I am, I don't know what I want to do with myself and I feel like I am wasting my life doing something I am not happy doing, but yet I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I use the word find, because I am finding out things about myself as I go through this weight loss, aging, being a grandma and mostly since losing mom. Getting older has just kind of jumped out of the shadows and has assauted me and I am not sure I am dealing with it very well. I am working at a job that I thought was going to be my career and that I would be content working at it until I retire. I had felt that I had finally made it to where I wanted to be and now I am finding that this is not it, not the company I want to retire from, not sure if doing what I am doing is what I want to be doing. But I also feel so trapped, caged, chained and just plain stuck. It is so incredibly hard to be the only bread winner and struggling to make ends meet.
I am finding that after 3 years the promises made or referenced in my job are not panning out as I expected. I know that I am one of those people that needs recognition of my accomplishments. I don't want to have to be held to higher standard, because of my position, but then treated as though I am not in a position of higher standing, if that made any sense. When I do not get the respect that I know I have earned, it causes me to want to quit what I am doing. So many people have been put out of work and have had to go back to school to learn a new trade and some have done it just to get out of doing what they hated. I have jumped around from all different kinds of jobs, but now I am thinking I need to do it again. However, I can't even attempt to go to school fulltime, because so many are dependent upon me making a living. All of this stress is slowly killing me.
I, often, feel that the other people in the household just don't understand the stress I am under or that they really don't care. It stresses me out when I come home from work to find that people are arguing over how the other person spoke to them or didn't speak to them, etc. I feel that it is just unneccessary drama. I am stressed when one person tells the other person needs to do this or that. I feel that everyone wants me to fix everything and I am not a fixer anymore. I can't fix what's wrong with me, what makes people thing I can fix them? It is just too much stress for me. I can't seem to get anyone to understand that I can't fix things anymore. I am not sure how much more I can take with the things going on in my life. I do wish that I was better able to express myself, as I do not believe the people/person directly involved really understands how bad things are for me, right now.
I know that this blog has been so far off the diet blog, but at the same time I have to say that changing your life goes along with changing you eating habits. The things that we do has a direct affect on how we see food. So if this is a TMI for many of you, I am sorry, but this is what my blogs are for. Everyone has issues somewhere at one time or another. I hope that my blogs will help someone who may be too afraid to let there feelings out and instead buries them with food. It's okay to tell how you feel, guaranteed someone else has those feelings to or similar and can understand that you feel so all alone sometimes.